After watching the Democratic National Convention last week, I realized that I have not given enough back to this country which has given me so much. Where else in the world can a man from my humble roots rise to the ranks of a second-tier rapper on a premiere independent rap label?  Only in America baby...

So I have decided to throw my hat into the ring and announce my candidacy for President, right here in this column that I write and about nine people read. I have not picked a running mate as of yet, but more than likely she will be a leggy gal with a few tattoos so we can lock up that Suicide Girl demographic and currently, nobody is speaking out for molested girls with father issues, so it might as well be me.

Here at Team Lasky, we have devised a comprehensive ten-point political platform that we feel addresses all the needs of the world’s only super power/greatest country ever. The last few years have been dark for us Americans and I believe I can bring us back to our former greatness, even if it means putting the Japanese back in interment camps for what they did to our boys in Pearl Harbor.

1.    The Economy – Shit’s fucked and selling CDs on the corner ain’t gonna fix that.

2.    Education – Kids need to stop being pussies. We plan to bring back bullying, shaming, andmaking kids run laps when they fuck up in gym class. I also promise that if anyone talks about teaching Creationism in the classroom, we will ship them to the Japanese interment camps

3.    Crime – I’m tough on crime. If you are convicted of a felony under my new super-repressive regime, your prison sentence will look like this: ten years minimum, first five years of which you will work your fucking ass off chain gang style. Second five years, we will educate and train you so that when you are released into the community you are prepared. We will work within the community to make sure you are given a job with a livable wage. However, if you fuck up and commit another crime, we have a strict no mercy policy and you go away for life. If you don’t like it fuck you, I will have you framed.

4.    Healthcare – I am putting a ban on Purell. I never use the stuff. I only wash my hands after I shit and you know what? I’m healthy as an ox. You know why? Because my immune system is used to germs. It’s strong and can fight them off. If you are found with Purell expect some time on the chain gang or in an interment camp.

5.    Gay Rights – I say they get all the rights everyone else gets. I will sign a law that allows for gay marriage. There will also be an amendment to that law stating that any rapper who calls someone gay in a battle or on a message board will be put on the public record as being gay, and therefore be privy to all the rights that gays get. See how progressive we are?

6.    Abortion – The more, the better

7.    Gun Control – All guns will now be painted orange like in the Deep Space 9mm video, so MTV can feel comfortable about the violence they promote.

8.    Drugs – I will legalize everything but meth, heroin and crack.  

9.    Social Security – We are gonna take the money in the current system and buy a ton of meth, heroin and crack, flip it and take over the game for real.

10.    The War on Terror – Will no longer take place on foreign soil. Our war on terror will be aimed at anyone who thinks the Bush Administration is competent enough to pull off 9/11. We will find you, Loose Change, even if we have to follow you to the gates of Hell or your shitty apartment in Oneota.

I look forward to leading our country into the 21st century and beyond.

On to the advice! As always, these are real questions sent by real readers. If you need any advice or want to send naked pictures of yourself (no fatties), please send them to timlaska@yahoo.com

Dear Tim,
I recently went to an Aesop Rock Show and I got to meet AESOP ROCK!  When I met him I was starstruck (just as I was when I met your group "Hangar 18"!) was this the right reaction?
- William Battle, Waterbury, CT.

I would say as long as you didn’t ask him to sign your tits you are ok.

I've enjoyed your articles that you've posted on Def Jux; I'm also quite fond of your music. I myself have dipped my foot in the realm of Emcee'ing (battled on stage, freestyled in front of crowds etc.) a few times, and I do hope sometime later this year to create my first album (my mic equipment is lacking and I'm in search of beats at the moment). What I'm trying to ask is, how do you suggest I go about promoting myself? I live in London Ontario Canada, and it's quite different I assume then other places you've probably promoted in. However granted reception is good on this album I plan to drop (from the basement, Lol) I'd try to expand were else it'd be promoted. Also if you're curious about my music the link is as follows: http://soundclick.com/mccontractsca (Casually Crude being my latest track)
Thanks for taking the time to read this,
Dan

Well Dan, thank you for the kind words about my articles and music. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed both. Now if you want to promote yourself, I would suggest many of the traditional internet means like soundclick, myspace, facebook, etc, but I wouldn’t count on them doing the job for you. They are completely oversaturated at this point, and getting known strictly off that isn’t very likely unless you are part lesbian and part alien with no marketable skills and a vapid personality like Tia Tequila. As I’ve mentioned before in this column, the best thing you can do is work your ass off getting your music out in London, Ontario. Sell it hand-to-hand on the street, go to every show, event, etc and hand out flyers and CD-R samplers, and sell CD’s at events, too. Take any and all opportunities to showcase your music live. Work on getting on any local radio stations or any DJ mixtapes and internet radio shows people in your area might be listening to. Work with local merchants to place your CD in their stores, even if it’s the local hardware store. Explain your position and see if they will let you leave a few to sell. I wouldn’t worry about anything beyond London for now. One step at a time; once you take of your city you can go from there.  

I have some questions.

My neighbors have a dog. I think it is a Golden Retriever. Although a good looking dog the thing whines and bellows loudly day and night. It doesn't matter if it is inside or out, provoked or not, it just yells loud as all hell. The owners obviously don't give a shit since they keep the dog around. What to do?

I also have a problem with the local university's marching band practicing until too late in the evening. An incessant pounding of drums and horn blowing which do not resemble a good Def Jux joint. How can I get some peace and quiet around here?

Thanks in advance for your insight,

Chris S. Ann Arbor, MI

Sounds like you have some serious noise issues. I can only really help you with the dog. You moved next to the college, so I think you are shit outta luck with the marching band. You’re gonna have to learn to enjoy Michigan’s fight song. As for the dog, I suggest two things: first, send an anonymous letter to the dog’s owner explaining the situation. If they refuse to act, enroll in veterinary school, learn the veterinary sciences and then surgically remove the dog’s vocal cords. I hope that helps.

Dear Alasky,
I live in peril everyday, the answer always being so close yet never within my grasp.  I want to know, why are you so damn hot and sexy?  

Rogue Damsel, Olympia WA
(24 years and waiting to have your children)

I am flattered. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why I am so damn hot and sexy, but if I was to guess I would say it is a combination of superior genetics, American know-how, German engineering and my continued quest to avoid all things healthy.  

As for waiting on my children, once I have them I will be sure to drop them off on your door step in a basket, just like many a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

That’s it for this week. Until next time, remember you don’t have to take any guff from the swine. You know people in high places (me).